Cosmopolitan Magazine Writers You Suck

I was standing in line at Wal*Mart yesterday and I glanced over to the magazine rack and an issue of Cosmopolitan caught my eye. I flipped around looking for some boobage to look at while I wait for the cashier to finish ringing up the lady with 30 bags of kitty litter and pillow cases, and a column titled "Inside His Mind: whats the best sex you've ever had?" intrigued my curiosity. As I was reading i realized that men did not write this ridiculous horse shit. No where in the allegedly "submitted by real men" stories of hot raunchy sex did I ever see the words: bone, medahead, queef, entangle, hump, humpage, chick, sweet nasty, ky jelly, broken, $29.54, pimp slap, or donkey punch. Instead they used words like: love, foreplay, and tenderness. Wrong Cosmo you done goofed you silly little girls. THIS is how real men talk about sex.

"The Dirty"

 So I met this one chick named Janet... or was it Jennifer? Anyway one drink led to another and suddenly I realized that i was totally scoring. Her tits were freakin rockin and jostling all about my face, and when I was about to kiss her she gave a heave and threw up in my mouth. Still counts though. 

-Christopher Manmullet

Study that Cosmo get your shit right.