Valentine's Day for the Single

All the single people are trying to ease the pain of being alone on Valentine's Day by saying that they could care less about a pseudo-holiday that allows for the expression of love and affection towards the opposite sex. Let's face it we all know that the single people on on Valentine's Day will not be dolling themselves up, prancing around the town square, and thus giving the proverbial "fuck you I can be happy on the one day couples shower each other with gifts to show appreciation for one another all by my lonesome."

I'm pretty DAMN IT!!!

NO! These single men and women who are Valentineless will wake up Valentine's Day morning, receive the flowers they bought themselves so the sting of the failure of not having a Valentine this year may lessen, grab the nearest cache of junk food in their pantry, and watch reruns of "Full House" as they drown themselves with self loathing.

Danny Tanner you make it hurt less

  

Lately

I've been drowning myself in work and writing ideas (dick jokes) for my blog so can distract myself from my actual issues. To be honest I'm pissed off at the world. Well mostly just the people in it. Humans are the most waste of time ever. All we do is wonder how shit in the paste relates to us. We try so hard to understand the
un-understandable (yeah I made that word up fuck you if you're hating). Human behavior has just been pissing me the fuck off lately. I don't get it. I'm sick of the repeating question of  "Why are we here?" and the repeating answer: "Because God(s) put us here to do what we were fated to do." What makes us so fucking special. Humans cause destruction, death, and disease. We create the ideas of what is vulgar and what is wrong. When we all die no one will care what we have accomplished. No one will care what we have created. No one will give a fuck.   

Cosmopolitan Magazine Writers You Suck

I was standing in line at Wal*Mart yesterday and I glanced over to the magazine rack and an issue of Cosmopolitan caught my eye. I flipped around looking for some boobage to look at while I wait for the cashier to finish ringing up the lady with 30 bags of kitty litter and pillow cases, and a column titled "Inside His Mind: whats the best sex you've ever had?" intrigued my curiosity. As I was reading i realized that men did not write this ridiculous horse shit. No where in the allegedly "submitted by real men" stories of hot raunchy sex did I ever see the words: bone, medahead, queef, entangle, hump, humpage, chick, sweet nasty, ky jelly, broken, $29.54, pimp slap, or donkey punch. Instead they used words like: love, foreplay, and tenderness. Wrong Cosmo you done goofed you silly little girls. THIS is how real men talk about sex.

"The Dirty"

 So I met this one chick named Janet... or was it Jennifer? Anyway one drink led to another and suddenly I realized that i was totally scoring. Her tits were freakin rockin and jostling all about my face, and when I was about to kiss her she gave a heave and threw up in my mouth. Still counts though. 

-Christopher Manmullet

Study that Cosmo get your shit right.  

Video from Khalid Pedro

This is me mates video i hope you like it

Insight I'd Rather Not Know But i Googled it Anyway.

  Like any man in the world I was up late last night watching my daily intake of porn (male readers don't act like you don't fucking jerk your applesauce because you know you do). It was your basic pornography so it ended in the same way they all do, the lucky girl (or unlucky girl for all you feminists out there) got down to face-to-cock level and the man promptly ejaculated in the girl's face.
  Now I'm no homosexual but I began to ponder the question most men ask when witnessing this: "What does semen taste like?" So instead of experiencing the taste of semen firsthand, I did the next best thing, I Googled that shit. After scouring  link after link of more porn (most of which I did take a quick gander at) I came across a very imformitive article.
  Apparently it's all about the males diet, and even bad habits such as smoking,  vegetables with a high sulfur content (garlic, onions, asparagus, etc.) will leave his special man milk tasting bitter and unpleasant. Dairy products and red meats make semen taste salty.
  This article also gave suggestions for keeping a man's Underpants Navy tasting sweet and delicious for your gal. Fruits, veggies (with low sulfur content parsley and celery), plenty of water, pineapple juice, and cinnamon all sweeten the taste of his dick spit.
  So ladies, if you're tired of having warm salty and bitter cum in your mouth, don't stop going down (I REPEAT DON'T STOP GOING DOWN!!!!) instead just pop a mango in his mouth give him a salad and a gallon of water and hope for the best!

My Genitals and I: A Love Hate Relationship

Fact: my penis is the only penis i will ever willing touch with love and tenderness.

Most men will agree that their package is the most cherished organ on their entire body. You can chop off a man's arms, lobe off his toes, or mutilate his face, but any injury to the genitals would mean the end of the world. My genitals and i have been through thick and thin; my first loose tooth, my junk was there, my first fight, my nuts and bolts were cheering me on. Me and my jewels are like homies that were down since day one. However like every relationship there are some cons.

Things I Hate About My Penis:
1. Unwanted embarrassing boners.
2. Sitting on my balls.
3. When it flips upside down or shifts to an uncomfortable area in my pants
4. It's well known vulnerability

Things That Out Way the Cons:
 1. It gives me the ability to stand while I pee.
 2. Low maintenance ( basic trim and daily wash)
 3. IT'S MY DICK